Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
Randomize
