I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
Randomize
