I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
These Are 23 Of The Most Uncomfortable Questions You Can Ask
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
The 17 Most Horrible Things Said To Online Daters
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?