mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??