I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
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we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
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There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.