how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
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