A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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