I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
Randomize
