can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
would it be uncouth to smoke a joint during office hours
This is why you're my favorite TA
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
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