I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
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