The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
Randomize
