There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
