I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Randomize
