8:17pm: So, How was fun day?
1:15am: So I just woke up in my bed in my bathing suit... I don't remember getting into bed or dinner or anything after slip n slide that happened around five... I'd say fun day was a success
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
Randomize
