I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
For sure. We should see if we can get Mike to pay for one, and have a triple kegger... :o==& (that's future me projectile vomiting. i try to be goal oriented)
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize
