I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
