u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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