Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Randomize
