I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
you really need to stop walk of shaming home from theme parties.
Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
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