If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
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