Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
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The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
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For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
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