Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
Randomize
