is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
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