you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
