I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
After tacos, we're chasing women.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
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