I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
West Wing DVD drinking game: drink whenever they waqlk around a lot. I LOVE POLITICS SO MUCH
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
he's just got his life so together and it makes my pussy wet.
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
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