My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
Randomize
