You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
How'd it feel making her break her religion?
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
Randomize
