i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
its always fun the next morning to look around the room and see where all the clothing landed.
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
Randomize
