If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
