we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
Randomize
