Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
