I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
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