i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
Take advantage man but know that every anal bead u drop inside her will make her love u 2% more. It's science
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
My feet surprised me
Randomize
