I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
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