Pregnant stripper...not hot.
Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
I swear she didn't look like that last week.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Randomize
