I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
You left your phone here
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