i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
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