I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
how do you feel about lunch break shots ?
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Randomize
