there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
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