i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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