Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
So, what my linguistics project should really be called is "I happen to sleep/makeout with a lot of bilinguals and am now using them to help me graduate"
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
Randomize
