Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
I have demons in me.
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
Randomize
