When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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