1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
Small Doughy Asian men and sleeveless hoodies with nothing underneath do not mix well.
Sounds like the climatic scene of my favorite erotic novel.
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
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