So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
Randomize
