wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
Randomize
