upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
It was like getting head from an anaconda
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
Randomize
