Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
