And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Randomize
