let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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