Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
she would be the type to have more hair on her twat than on her head
she has to be all "alternative"
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Randomize
