I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
she used teeth so i didnt tell her when i was cumming ...........dont get mad get even
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
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