Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
Yah at one point i was listening to metallica and doing pushups last night. I went thru alot of emotions.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
Randomize
