Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
Randomize
